Woe is Fucking Me...I Wish I Had Poop Butt

WHAT THE FUCK FOLKS?

Is homosexuality a curse? Does it end with me in a hearse after attempting flight off of my thrilling third-floor walk-up?

Is it a test from God? Will my mettle be proven, if I stand the test of promiscuity and HIV?

My last post railed on women. Coincidentally, now I feel like railing on men. Gay men. Bear with me here, generalizations make me feel better:

Most gay men are fickle sluts--very much like college girls--with bodily desires that only tell them what's temporarily satisfying, and that's all they go after.

So what am I? I do have those bodily desires, but I feel nothing short of septic if I fulfill them with a random button-covered boy-toy. However, whenever I find myself climbing out of that platonic cave towards the light, I step too fast--a phone call too fast, a hand-hold too fast, a fuck to fast--and slide back to where I began...In a complex amalgamation of boredom and loneliness.

I want a sidekick. Someone to help me take on the world. Am I the only one who's slightly apprehensive about taking it on alone? Am I the only one who's willing to admit it, let alone do something about it? That's just self-righteous, though, isn't it. In the past year, I have found four potential sidekicks, and every single one has been sabotaged in the early stages. I'm not putting the blame on the respective lovers ether, because I sabotaged some of them as well.

Care giving is a past time of mine. I find it fulfilling to know that someone trusts you with his or her health, mental or physical. There's nothing wrong with that, unless you care give to the point of not knowing what it's like to be taken care of. I blame Jener, the fatherless boy I reared through puberty, and my mother. As awesome of a mother as she was, she raised me as an equal, not as a mother. Throughout my formative teen years, I didn't confide in my mother, nor did I rely on her cooking, cleaning, or wallet. I always wanted to prove that I didn't need to be taken care of. Well, now on the eve of my beginning a real life, it is crystal clear that I do need a mutual care partnership. I don't want to do this alone.

Sorry for the pretentious soul-searching, but this blog right now is as much for me as it is for you.